And so, Hikigaya Hachiman Dreams
by Of Coffee and Sleep
Summary: In life, one would often find themselves surprised at the directions the whims of fate takes them. Sometimes it would lead them to times of peace and happiness while other times, it may lead them astray to a path of anguish and pain. Hikigaya Hachiman is but one of the many victims of fate.
1. Prologue

Prologue: Of Dreams and Ideals

* * *

Genuineness, it's such a vague concept that I almost feel stupid for chasing such a thing. It's not something easily observable nor it is tangible enough to accurately define what it is. In the end it still falls into the realms of ideals, of concepts and of dreams. That's why it's commonly referred to as "thing", "it", or "ideal". But in the end I do still want to know if it's possible to achieve such a thing. To be able to live life interacting with people for who they are and without the masks or the personas people usually present themselves. To look at a person and _see_ the person for who they truly are.

But first, to be able to seek if such a thing as genuine exist means to be able to define what it is. What is genuine? In what manner do we call something as "genuine"? Is it in actions? or maybe in words? The answer to that I do not know.

Maybe it's considered such when the relationships that you share are strong and pure, maybe it's when no fake smiles or emotions are shared between two people, maybe it's pure honesty, maybe it's when it makes you feel good, maybe it's when..., maybe it's..., maybe, maybe, maybe, in the end all I can come up is guesswork. Mere conjunctions and hypothesis with no evidences to back it up. Offhanded comments and suggestions that _tries_ to suggest to an idea but _fails_ to do so. Because in the end how could you suggest to something when you don't even know what it is in the first place.

How foolish, truly, to try and achieve an ideal, a dream, without even knowing what is it in the first place. It might not be a stretch to call it something akin to a blind man describing his surroundings. Of a fool chasing a formless dream. Is it pointless to chase such a thing in the end though? Are the feelings I've _bared_ to the service club in the end amount to nothing? Will it be nothing more than a memory in the future? To look back and laugh how emotional and vulnerable I was during that moment, while still nowhere being close being genuine?

Maybe that's why I am, according to Haruno's words, a monster of logic. Logic held truth in it and bared what was correct without being swayed by emotions nor was it muddled by bias and prejudice. It comforted me, I'll be honest. Of times where I was faced with problems and put into difficult situations, logic had always been a guiding light to a solution. Whereas my emotions would muddle my thoughts and confuse me on what was _right_ and what I _wanted_ to do, logic calmed me down and rationalized a solution to the problem. But, it isn't always a good thing being the monster of logic. For logic always shines the truth to everyone... _including_ _me_.

To use logic is to use existing information and to pass on judgement on the matter using that very information. Suppose a cat want to fly high in the sky and it climbs onto the top of a roof, ready to jump. What would you think? Will it fly or will it fall flat to the ground? The answer depends on the perspective of the observer. An idealist would hope to have the cat fly while on the other hand a rationalist would say it would fall flat on it's feet. Obviously it would fall, cats simply cannot fly due to it not being able to. Not for the lack of trying, rather it is simply unable to. It does not possess the characteristics necessary for flight.

So why would an idealist ever hope to dream it would succeed and fly? There is no such thing as a purely idealistic person. If there was that person would no longer be called an idealist rather that person would be called delusional. For that person lives on _fantasies_, rather than _ideals_. As ideals are still in a way grounded on the reality of this world. Ideals are simply desired higher forms of wishes a person makes when something in reality lacks.

Everybody possess an idealist and a rationalist inside them. It is merely which is more dominant of the two in which results in the showing of whether that person may be classified as which of the two. So to reiterate, why would an idealist ever hope for the cat to fly? Surely it knows that cats are simply unable to right? Yet the idealist _still_ dreams and dreams. An idealist is _driven_ on the existing ideal that they abide by. It dictates their emotions, thoughts, words, and even actions. It is their driving force in life and what most often defines them as a person. Take a person who believes in the ideal of justice for example. Most often these type of people end up as lawyers or jobs which are aligned to the concept of justice. It is in their ideals which shape their world views which further influences their actions.

So to call me a monster of logic, a rationalist who solves his problems using cold hard facts, would be simply be untrue. No, for the person I am is not a monster of logic. I am simply just a normal person who _thinks_ like I'm a rationalist and _acts_ like I'm an idealist. Really, for all the rationalizing I do in regards to the service club. I still fundamentally rely on _my_ experiences from the past, which is quite painful If I may add. Years of isolation had led me automatically judge people and categorize them as I see fit. Not bothering to look _deeper_ beyond what I have observed, which is to say not much considering how much of a loner I am.

I had labelled Yui Yuigahama as a nice girl, I had viewed Yukino Yukinoshita as a strong girl, I had seen myself, Hikigaya Hachiman, as a monster of logic. Labels I had carelessly used to _judge_ people, myself included. Deluding myself into thinking I was right all along, but in reality it was far from that. Yui Yuigahama is not a nice girl, Yukino Yukinoshita is not a strong girl, and I myself is not a monster of logic. Those were simply just my ideals that I had imposed. So where does this leads me into?

Do I still strive for genuineness, when I myself do not know of such things? Do I dare seek out a genuine relationship with them when I truly do not know them? Should I change? look at things from a different perspective? Or should I stay as I am? And so I think, because that's the only thing I can do right now. Here in the wee hours of the night laying on the bed. Filled with thoughts regarding the future of the service club, of genuineness, of Haruno's words, of Yuigahama and Yukinoshita, of futures desired but untold.

And even when my eyelids are beginning to drop, I think. Even when my thoughts becomes more and more muddled and incomprehensible, I think. And in these last moments of awareness before I eventually succumb to sleep, I think. And as I ponder more and more, the more I get tired so I begin to fall asleep, and with that I begin to dream.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Of History and Warm Grandfathers

* * *

It was a question I had always been curious to know the answer to,

_What do blind people experience when they dream?_

Do the blind dream in images or do they dream in sounds? What makes up their dreams when compared to a normal person's? Is it just a void of nothingness that they experience? Do they experience some sort of limbo where they experience and see _nothing_? Can such a thing truly be called a dream in the first place?

I imagine that it depends on the category of the blind person. According to a certain cat-loving _Yukipedia_, people who have been blinded since birth report to dream only using their auditory senses primarily mixed in with their other senses of touch, taste and smell. It was shown that while they do not experience visual images in their dreams, they do instead dream in sounds, in smell, in taste, and in touch. Suppose they dreamed of drinking coffee. While they might not have seen the coffee(MAXX coffee) they would have instead tasted it, smelled it, and maybe even touched it compared to a normal person's dream where they instead experience more visual signals rather than anything else. All of their other senses in their dreams were enhanced in the absence of their visual senses.

Meanwhile, another category of blind people are people who have lived lives being able to see but during one point in their lives lost the ability to see. This could range from when they were kids all the way to adulthood. It was shown that these people, while losing their visual capability, still possess the ability to _see_ images inside their dreams. The range in what they are able to see in their dreams depends in the amount of what the person had seen when they were still capable of sight. Suppose a child had experienced blindness during a young age.

_That person would then forever dream of their mother looking exactly the same as she did back when they were able to see her_.

While in reality the mother might age and look different in the passing of time, inside the blind person's dream it is however _stagnant_, _unchanging_, fated to be forever _still_ and with no possibility of progress. The image inside them of their mother is the same, it's constant. Almost like it's not true, like it's _fake_.

So isn't it kind of fitting that they could only _see_ that image inside their dream?

'That's really sad', I think to myself.

For life to be fully appreciated is to see the growth of the things around you. Seeing the tiny little seed you had planted bloom into a beautiful flower, of a parent's joy to see their children grow, live and thrive in this world, or even to something as mundane as to seeing your ungrateful but cute cat grow more and more fat by each passing day (_P.S. Kamakura needs to go on a diet_)

These patterns of growth reminds me that life is worth living for.

Maybe that's why old people tend to go quiet sometimes. My grandparents did this a lot when they used to visit us in the holidays from the countryside. I would see them cleaning the house and when I would turn away to play at _Vita-chan_, sometimes I would glance back to check on them only to see them staring off into empty space at the front porch. What were they looking at that I do not know. Sometimes it would seem my grandparents would just look at the trees, other times it would be our lazy cat _Kamakura_, and other times it would be _Komachi_ and I that would be subjected to their gaze. Those gazes in their eyes held a deeper purpose than to just merely look, I felt.

_Warmth_, _contentedness_, and strangely _peace_.

Those were the words that gramps uttered when I finally asked him one day on why he and grandma would look at us strangely at times. I remember him sporting a rather annoying grin that he was trying to hold back, as if it there was some joke I couldn't quite catch. Yet, at the same time, his eyes held a touch of melancholy as if he was proud and a bit sad that I asked such a question.

"You're too observant for your age Hachi, that is both a blessing and a curse" gramps said as he stroked his beard, as if he was trying to emulate those old war advisers in movies that we used to watch when I was a kid. Seriously gramps that might've made me laugh when I was a kid but it's embarrassing to see you do that now.

"The world is a cold place, that is why we must seek _warmth_" gramps punctuated his point as he slung an arm around me bringing me into a side hug.

_'B-Baka! don't t-touch me so c-casually!'_

"This warmth will be the driving force of your life, for me it was first family, then I met your grandmother, then it was your parents, now it's you and Komachi" I felt gramps hug me a tiny bit stronger as if to confirm that he was here with me. He then tilted his head out towards the window and spoke. "The world is full of wonders and opportunities yet many times these things are unattainable, such is the way of the world sometimes" gramps spoke in a jaded voice, experience untold to me but felt all the same.

"And that is why we must be content in what we have, seek too much of the _warmth _and it will turn into _heat_, push harder and it will soon form _fire_" he then held out his palm as if there was a flame there.

My left eyebrow quirked up at the terms. "Heat? Fire?" I asked. _Is my grandfather secretly a chuniibyou_? A smile then graced gramps face as he spoke."Warmth in general is happiness" He said. "It fends you from the coldness of the world, it comforts you and those around you, it warms your heart." It strangely reminded me of the _Kotatsu_ that Komachi and I share whenever winter season approaches. I told him so and to that, a smile found his lips. His smile lingered a bit but it fell as he continued. "Now heat, this is what happens when one gets lost in the pursuit of happiness" His fingers still held up, twitched as if reacting to something. "Heat _does not_ comfort you, instead it _burns _you out from the inside. And to those around who reach out to you, it repells." gramps lips arced downwards at the thought.

"Continue on developing this heat and it will form fire, fire burns _everything_ it touches" gramps then closed his hand into a fist as if to snuff out an imaginary fire. "It burns not only you but it will spread out and destroy the people whom you share your warmth with" he then relaxes his hand and opens it as if letting go of the fire.

Gramps then looked straight at me. "Lastly, we must find peace" he said.

I stared back into gramps eyes. "Peace?" I asked.

Gramps then closed his eyes as if to reminisce at a past memory or two. He stayed quiet like that for a while. It was a strange silence, similar to awkwardness in that you don't really know what to say, but at the same time the silence here felt _different. _The silence felt right, like there was nothing wrong in the world. I forgot all my troubles, forgot my past, forgot that there was ever something wrong, it felt serene, _peaceful_. And with eyes still closed he finally spoke: "Peace in knowing that the life you had led is a life you can smile happily at when you take your last breath." With that said the smile he had lost earlier surfaced and graced his lips once again.

He then continued, "Peace doesn't only mean the absence of sadness or regret." It was at this point that he opened his eyes again. His eyes now held in it steel, as if nothing in this world could affect him. "But rather the ability to acknowledge these feelings and take it in stride." He then let go of me and stood up, back straight, chest up and head held high. It was weird seeing the old man like this, my image of him used to be nothing more than an old man who caved in too quickly in regards to grandma. So seeing him like this felt different but at the same time it felt like I was _seeing_ him for who he was for the first time. He then patted me on the head, rubbed it a few times, as if to comfort a crying child. _'What are you seeing right now gramps, I wonder'_

"Your father and I might not see eye to eye in regards to your upbringing." He said in a solemn voice. "But in the end when it comes down to it I want you to be a warm person Hachiman."

"I want to see you _live_ your life, and not just be an observer to it. Detached as if it wasn't yours to live in the first place." He finished, his words alluding to something.

_'A promise.' _

* * *

I shed tears that day, it was the first time I've cried in years.

My years of solitude had led me to be resilient, to be tough, to be durable. But when my grandfather said those words, something deep inside me resonated. He had been right when he said I had been merely observing life rather than actually living it. Deep down inside me I knew, that while I might distract myself with new novels or games. I was _stagnating_, unchanged, still stuck in the past and letting it dictate my future.

I had given up.

Simple as that, when I was ridiculed and bullied back in grade school, back when I had confessed to _Orimoto Kaori_ in middle school and got rejected. I didn't put up any fight, no, nor did I stand up for myself. Orimoto's rejection and the ridicule that soon followed was the breaking point for me, all those deep-seated feelings inside me from years of isolation and bullying burst out of my chest like a dam.

'_I don't like this feeling'_. '_I don't want to experience such a feeling again' _I thought to myself. So I had escaped. I holed myself up in my room away from the world and distracted myself with fantasies and games. I was so desperate to escape reality that I would sink so far down and become a _chuunibyou_.

'_If reality didn't want Hikigaya Hachiman, If it vehemently rejected me so much then it could fuck off. I'll just believe in the reality I want_.'

That was my thought process during that time. So I started lived in the world of books and in games, where there were no judgemental gazes or stupid people. A world where you knew what you were getting, where people were clearly defined and where an ally of justice or a hero to save the day existed. Soon by each passing day I had found myself starting to drift away from the people that cared about me, well, which was mainly just Komachi and my mother. Rather than

And while it might have taken some time, like all wounds heal, mine did as well. But if I'm being honest to say that they healed would be a lie, nay, my wounds weren't treated, they weren't given care, no, I just left it by itself and let it scab over. Making myself _think _that I was truly over it when in fact, it was still there all along and I had merely tried to forget it ever existed. It still existed inside me as an ugly reminder of my past. All w_ounds_ might heal given the time, this I knew. But _scars, _now them, they last forever. While one may hide them beneath in layers and layers, it still exists underneath. Ready to surface and rise at the most inopportune of moments.

* * *

After that episode with gramps, I realized that I had wanted to change. So I did the only thing I was pretty good at, I studied. While it was a normal sight to see me holding a book or two, they were usually novels or manga. This time what I had in my hand were textbooks and references. Why was I studying you might ask? I had set a goal for myself during that time: Get accepted to Sobu High.

Sobu High School was the school where I was confident that no one from my middle school would be able to go. This was mainly due to it's rather high academic standards and it's location being in a different part of town. I surmised that the chances of my middle school classmates coincidentally going here would be low. I chose this school because I had wanted to start anew, where no one could judge me for my past. _A reset, A deletion of relationships_. Where when they look at me, they don't see me as that guy that confessed to Orimoto and got made fun off. I had wanted them to look at me for who I am, I wanted them to see Hikigaya Hachiman like how I was able to see my grandfather for who he was.

It was during this time that I started to desire a dream such as genuineness.

So I worked hard, like a madman possessed I studied day in and out. Only stopping for breaks when Komachi would come over and hand me some food when I would forget to eat. It was the most that I had worked all of my life at that point. So when the day my acceptance letter arrived in the mail, I felt strangely numb.

I had passed.

I was going to Sobu High school.

While Komachi jumped up high and did a little dance that honestly looked more like it was part of some tribal dance. I however remained rooted where I was still standing, hand still held up as it clutched the acceptance letter. I felt numb. I was happy don't get me wrong, but I was so worked up and anxious about the results that I honestly didn't believe that I had passed. I felt like I was dreaming and that I should wake up so I can cram more study time. But when it did settle in that I did indeed pass and yes it wasn't a dream, I was elated, I was over the moon.

I was happy.

And I had smiled the biggest smile I had ever in my life.

Take that world, just when you think that I would forever be something insignificant, I had done it, I had proven myself. Komachi and my mom being the more outgoing types, decided that a celebration was in order. And as we were going outside to head into a fancy restaurant, looking at Komachi and my mom, these people that cared enough to set aside time to celebrate me passing. These people cared and that they managed to show it to me not just in mere words but also in _actions_. It was something I could see and something I could remember. I didn't have to read between in the line nor look back at every word as if there were hidden agendas hidden there. I felt like I was seeing glimpses of genuineness. Something foreign yet welcomed thrummed inside my chest, it sprouted from the center and bit by bit it enveloped me in a warm embrace, I had felt the warmness gramps was talking about.

'_Are you proud of me, gramps_?' If bet if he could see me right now that old man would have that stupid grin on his face.

Finally, my life felt like it was slowly starting to move. I was making progress, I was no longer stagnant. I was starting to change, I had a destination, I had a purpose, I had warmth.

So it was all the more bitter when 'that' incident happened.

* * *

A girl, A dog, A loose leash, A black limousine, Stupid heroics, And a broken leg. And back to square one do we go, Hikigaya Hachiman. Remember all that hard work? All that late nights studying? Well say goodbye to

I had woke up early that day, brushed my teeth so many times that it sparkled in the morning sun, combed my hair so it wasn't the mess of a rat's nest it normally is, and left off in a rush to my new school.

I wanted to make a good impression on the people there.

So imagine my surprise to see a dog being in a place where it shouldn't be in the middle of a busy road. I soon noticed a black limousine driving towards the direction of the dog. The driver must not have seen it as the car didn't show any signs of slowing down. And before I knew it, I took action and received it's consequences.

'_Hard work betrays none while dreams betray many_'

It was as if the world was rubbing salt on my wounds. The dream that I had relentlessly worked towards to for _months_, gone in just a single day. The recovery from that incident took a couple of weeks, and by the time I was released it was well past the first few weeks of adjustment at school. Groups and cliques had already formed inside the classroom making it the more awkward for me to try and integrate into the class. The incident had basically fast tracked me back to a life of being alone. At that point I was just tired from everything, I was tired by the judging gazes of my classmates, I was tired that no matter what I do it seems like everything just falls through my hands, I was just tired from even _trying _anymore.

And so I started taking breaks. I started to study less and I started to fall back into old habits. Whereas the light novels I had discarded started gathering dust, they also started to appear on my person more and more as time passed. Games that I had stopped playing saying that they were a distraction, were picked up as I started to play games again due to all the sudden free time I had now that I studied less.

All the while I was being isolated again, only this time it was something that I didn't mind. At this point I had given up again. Instead of the change that I desired, instead of growing, I had regressed. My wish wasn't granted, there was no turning over a new leaf for Hikigaya Hachiman.

Sorry gramps it seems that your useless grandson couldn't fulfill your wish.

It was the same old sorry story for me, fate had decided. And with that, grandfather's words to me, the desire to change, and the dream of genuineness was buried deep once again. The last remaining traces of warmth inside me planted by gramps was snuffed out.

Maybe I could've tried a little bit harder, Maybe it was still possible to have succeeded. If I had tried to branch out, reach out to people mayb-No, I had tried that already and nothing seemed to change every time. Maybe my dream was really impossible, how could it I achieve it in the first place when I myself am blind to what it is. So I'll just stay the same as I am, neither warm nor cold but lukewarm as if unsure of what it really wants.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me three ti- nah, not gonna happen. I won't make the same mistake ever again. As a person who had lost too many times in life, I could be called something akin to a veteran in the battlefield of life. A highly trained loner like me won't make the same mistakes again. No more hanging on to the words of others, no more thinking that other people would want to form genuine relationships with someone like me, and no more chasing stupid dreams that doesn't exist. A promise had been made...to myself. A blood oath even, a contract so strong that even lawyers run away in fear at the sight of it. Carve it deep into my heart and at the forefront of my mind. Let it be something that is never broken even if the fates says so otherwise...

...

_...'Shit'_

...

...I should have known better than to tempt fate with that last one, for not even a year later do I find myself breaking that same promise.


End file.
